Sunday, July 1, 2012
I LOVE psychology; hence that's what I am studying, however I find my self psycho analyzing my self constantly now, and trying to treat my own mental issues. Not easy!! That's what professionals are for, that's where I want to be someday, helping other people with their thoughts, feelings and emotions. I cannot "fix" my self. I can however learn, grow, and realize that I am not broken. I am me, that is enough. I try to be the best me I can be, and most the time (which means more than 50% of the time) I accomplish that. Sometimes, dare I say I surpass the best me I can be and amaze my self. So why do I feel like I'm not enough? Why do I feel like I am alone in this life and no one understands me. I find my self getting angry, and feeling overwhelmed a lot. The worst part is I am pretty sure I am doing all of this to my self. No one is making me feel this way or expecting crazy things from me. I just want to much for my self. I want to be "perfect" Now I do realize perfection does not exist, so what I mean by perfection is something or someone that others are amazed by, and strive to be like. Someone or something others look at and think "WOW I want to be like that". I'm not sure when I became so...I don't even know what the word is for that. Self centered? Arrogant? Look at me, Look at me!? I don't know what it is, but I do know that I ache for it. Which before you pass any judgement, please know that I don't like this part of me. I know I shouldn't act or feel this way. I think it's still a part of my adolescence that I haven't over come. I think I always just pushed it back or down thinking it will go away.
Monday, March 26, 2012
I have been struggleing with anxiety for a while now. At least 2 years. I think I get past it then BAM it rears it ugly head again and I have to fight within myself. I hate it. I dont know if there is something I can do about it or not. It makes me wonder how am I suppose to help others when I cant seem to help myself. I deal with people on a daily basis now that have similar problems to mine, except they have a diagnosis and mental illness to call it and I just sit here and feel crazy, cause Im suppose to be "normal". I dont feel mentally healthy some days. I know Im not struggleing like some, and I am able to have a "normal" life, but most the time I feel like Im faking it. I am trying my hardest to make sure what everyone sees is me being what Im suppose to be. But when no one is looking I let my facade down and let the real feeling out. I know I need therapy, I know I need someone to talk to, but I just dont want to let anyone down. I dont want to let anyone know I feel this way.