Five Minute Friday: Beautiful

Well its Friday, normally I am anxiously awaiting this. This will be my 4th time participating in FMF, but today I am nervous about it. See yesterday I tried some free writing on my own just cause I love the feeling FMF gives me. I love sharing my writings, and reading others. BUT yesterday was horrible. Everything that came out of me sounded like babble, and not the good getting it all out babble. Just blah babble. So now I'm sitting here scared to write with today's prompt. Oh well right? Suck it up and do it. Be brave and don't be so hard on yourself. Know that your just starting out and everyone stumbles along the way.

Beautiful

GO...

We all know, or at least are taught that beauty from inside is always better than outside beauty. I know this to be true. And with out sounding like a braggart, I am beautiful on the inside. However that doesn't seem to stop the yearning for outside beauty too. I don't need to be a super model or anything. I just want to feel comfortable in my own skin and body. I want...Well there's a concept. I want. Hmm, maybe its just not about what I want. Maybe its not even about me. Maybe God has others thoughts and plans. Maybe. I just don't know. I see others beauty, inside and out. I see the beauty that God has created for me, it just sometimes feels like he forgot something. He forgot me and what I would want.

STOP

If your interested in participating in Five Minute Friday HERE are the directions.

Alphabet

I am quickly becoming addicted to reading blogs!! Every time I dink around on the internet I find another one! So I was reading an article on the Huntington Post and it linked me to the authors blog. Another score!! I love these women and the way they put life into words! So her post from today was an Alphabet Edition, so I decided to give it a try too.
Here goes:

A: Attached or single?  Attached.

B: Best friend?  Same one since 4th grade.

C: Cake or pie?  PIE!!! Yummy.

D: Day of choice? Saturday, always the fun filled day.

E: Essential item? My husband. I cannot stay sane very long without him.

F: Favorite color?  Purple.

G: Gummy bears of worms?  Worms, not sure why.

H: Hometown?  Lapeer, MI.

I: Favorite indulgence? Sleeping in.

J: January or July?  Both can be fun. I need all my seasons and months!

K: Kids?  Three adorable, loving, drive me crazy boys

L: Life isn't complete without?  My husband, my kids, my parents, my friends

M: Marriage date? November 20. 2010

N: Number of siblings? Well I grew up an only child, when I was 28 I met my half sister from my bio dad. 

O: Oranges or apples?  Hmm that's a hard choice. I guess apples cause I love to bake and the possibilities are endless.

P: Phobias? Birds, bugs, moths, bats, any thing that flies at my head!

Q: Quotes? I love quotes. I have a book I write them in, however I don't have the memory bank capacity to just quote them when necessary. 

R: Reasons to smile? I actually just started a list similar to this yesterday. I am trying hard to find these everyday!

S: Season of choice? Fall, oh the colors :)

T: Tag 5 people.No tagging involved here, if you want to post it on your blog go for it.

U: Unknown fact about me. I hate surprises

V: Vegetable? LOVE LOVE LOVE them all!

W: Worst habit? Social smoking, swearing (not just socially)

X: x-ray or ultrasound? Never had an x-ray. But my ultrasounds were all fun

Y: Your favorite food? MMM my moms chicken and dumplings, roast, meatloaf, mac and cheese, cookies, etc I like food!

Z: Zodiac sign? I was born on the cusp. So I am a Gemini/Taurus. Which basically means I am a two headed stubborn fool!

Your turn, have fun

The List

In an attempt to change my mind set and daily mood, I have started writing down things, small things, that make me feel grateful, thankful and blessed. I think if I compile a list and it grows and grows everyday, then on the days I am feeling down and need to be lifted up, I can read this list and be reminded of all I have to be  grateful, and thankful for.
Now I could just write it in a notebook (to then misplace in my organized chaos of a house) or I can put it here and add to it when ever I want, while sharing it with whoever may read it.

The List

1. Michael's compassion
2. Felix's cuddles
3. Gracie kisses
4. Random text messages from my husband
5. Trevor's inquisitive thoughts
6. Uplifting blog posts
7. Music
8. Life long friends
9. Life lessons
10. Education to better my mind and life

Good start for now.

Five Minute Friday: In Between

Here's the how to of the Five Minute Friday if your interested!!

The prompt today is In Between

Go...

Life has stages, you cant see them. Don't really know they are there until you move from one to another, or get stuck in between two. That's where I am. I am stuck in between. Not sure where to go or how to move. Afraid to get more stuck or make things worse.I am in the in between of life right now. Middle of my kids childhood, middle of my adulthood. The middle is the tricky part. How to live in the middle is the hardest part of life.

I have been in situations like this before, so I sit here and think back. How did I get out of the in between's before? I made a decision, a choice and acted on it. Why is that the hardest part of life? We spent so much time in between decisions and choices that we miss out on life. So much time is spent in the decision making process and then we spend the acting and living part wondering if we should have choose different. 

I don't want to be in between any more. I want to choose life and live it I want to be. Just be. Nothing more. Enjoy my beautiful chaotic life that GOD has given me and not worry about the in between. 

STOP

Well that's it. See ya next week

When there's no where to run

I am my own worst enemy. I can beat myself up, tear myself down and rip my self-worth to shreds faster than anyone. I rarely give others the power to do this to me; other than the few select people in my life that I strive to make proud of me. I hurt myself more than anyone ever could. I can't seem to stop it.

I just want to feel comfortable in my body and mind. I guess I figured it was something that just happens as you get older and become an adult. I am 32 now and still feel as insecure and scared as I was at 16. I have a beautiful family, husband and three amazing boys. Our house is a home, its lived it but not filth. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom while finishing my college degrees so I can better our life. My husband works his butt off to support us financially and yeah we struggle but we always have food on the table and the roof over our head. Honestly I have nothing to complain about! So why do I feel sad, depressed, and worthless most of the time.

I am a psychology major, which almost makes it worse, cause I do know why I feel this way. I understand the signs and symptoms of depression and stress induced anxiety; however I cannot seem to rationalize with my own brain that this is what is happening. I cant seem to use any of the techniques and tools I have learned, to help myself. Which just makes me even more upset and concerned. If I can't help myself how can I help others?

So I come here to write and hope someone out there reads it. I have been searching for an answer or something that clicks, something that could be a door towards feeling better. I read many blogs and the women who write them talk about real life, and how hard it is; and yet it still feels like they see or get something that I don't. So if your reading this and have that piece of knowledge that I don't, please share! I have no where else to run.

Five Minute Friday: Rhythm

Here we are again Friday! This is only my second Five Minute Friday, but I have to admit I have been looking forward to it all week. So here we go...

Rhythm

GO

Life has rhythm. Balance. It needs it to survive. Things happen for reasons and life continues to flow whether or not we are ready to continue on. Sometimes I get swept up by the rhythm, it catches me of guard and knocks me off my feet. I hate that. I like to think I can handle spontaneous and sporadic happenings but experience has shown me I cannot. However I am not a planner. I don't like to think ahead and plan for these moments, so I always get knocked down. Rhythm...hmmm maybe that is the rhythm of my life. Maybe every time I get knocked down I experience something, and learn. Maybe instead of seeing them as set backs and knock downs I should view it as GOD saying slow down and appreciate what you have right now! He made this moment for me and want to make sure I enjoy it. Maybe that is my rhythm. Wow now there's something to think about isn't it.

STOP

Wanna join in the fun? Join us over at lisajobaker.com every Friday!

Only God Knows Why...

Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I lived during a different era. I read this article a bit ago and it made me think. See my breastfeeding experiences were not all that good. And to be honest if I lived back in the 1800's I would be dead. My first born got stuck (my pelvis is bent I guess and his shoulders couldn't fit through), but even if I had survived child birth or the equivalent to a c-section back then, he wouldn't breastfeed. My second was born 3 weeks early and again probably wouldn't have survived due to his lungs being under developed. He spent his first week of life in the Neo-Natal nursery. I wasn't even allowed to see him for the first 24 hours, so how was I to breastfeed?  I suppose God knew that the 1800's just wasn't the place for me or my babies. He must put a lot of thought into who a person is and when would be the right time for them. I have to believe it's not by mistake or coincidence.
However it makes me think of the women who did live back then and how often they must of lost babies or died due to complications in pregnancy and delivery. How strong they had to be.  These women were our grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and great-great-grandmothers. In the scheme of things that wasn't that long ago.