Thursday, April 14, 2011

life as I know it

Hey, so I know no one is out there reading this but I need a place to write, vent, and just be sometimes. I dont know why. I just want to. SO things are good and bad around here. Nothing really is bad, Im just dealing with some depression and struggle to not let it effect my family. Doing that just makes it worse though, casue now I feel even more alone. I dont know why I feel this way. I mean seriously what do I have to be depressed about?? I have a beautiful family, my husband works his ass off so I can go to school and better our future. Hell I am almost done with school at this point and I am doing great!!! I fight in my own head about big life things, or little life things Im not sure which. I wonder if Im a good enough person. I know Im a good person. I dont hurt people or do mean or hurtful things, but is that enough? What is enough? Am I doing enough for my kids? For my husband? I just feel like no matter how hard I try I wont ever really be enough. I worry that my husband will get frustrated with me and our hard times and think "why the hell am I in this?" I worry that there is nothing I can do to stop my kids from failing. I know these are irrational thoughts. These are all things I cannot control, there is no way to know 100% what the future will hold, so why does it flood my brain and bring me down. It feels like doom is lurking over my head and any little thing could bring it crashing down. My rational brain knows better than to believe any of this rubbish! My rational brain is what keeps me going and striving for more every day. My rational brain is what stops me from telling others I feel this way.

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