Enough

I have Enough tattooed on my wrist as a daily reminder that I am Enough, I am doing Enough, Enough is Enough, and several different versions of it's meaning. It's not magic, it doesn't make all the bad or angry feelings in my head go away like I wanted it to. But it is a reminder that I strive to feel that I am Enough. I believe we all are. I believe that is the way God created us. We are a fluid amount of Enough, which means that sometime we can be packed into small amounts and still be Enough, or stretched beyond belief again, still Enough. It is an ever changing size, shape and mass but it is always Enough for what we need to be doing at that moment in time.
See we measure our Enough against others, and the standards that society has told us is enough. Well that is all a lie! We all have the same Enough inside of us, its just some peoples enough have been stretched, some have been squished into small bits, some have been blown up out of proportion. So remember the next time you feel that you don't have Enough energy, time, money, patience, or (insert here)  you are Enough, and have Enough for that moment, your just measuring your Enough against what others seem to have or what society has told you you should have. Lets stop measuring ourselves by society's standards and lets use God's standards. He made us to be Enough, not society.

Unconditional Parenting- My Messy Beautiful

Becoming a parent doesn't always happen the way you think is will as a child. Much of my childhood was spent dreaming about who I would marry, where I would live, and what my kid’s names would be. I never had a passion or dream for what I wanted to be when I grew up. I figured I had all the time in the world to figure it out. Now I am 32, married, have 3 kids all with different fathers, and working on my Masters degree. How I got here is not remotely close to what I envisioned for my life. Here is the beginning of my messy beautiful story.

When I first found out was pregnant in the summer of 2003, I was living in a roadside motel room (you read that right, roadside motel) with my emotionally abusive, ex-con boyfriend. Oh did I fail to mention I was about 750 miles from my friends and family. Let’s just say it wasn't planned and I didn't know if I could go along with it or not. The day I took the test and found out,  we were at his friend’s house so he didn't want me to say it out loud, so he wrote on a piece of paper "Circle yes or no". I sat there and stared at him. This was the man I was tied to for the rest of my existence; this was the man whose DNA was mixing with mine inside me to create a person. This man wanted me to answer him like a first grader asking "do you like me?" I walked away.  See I always thought when the time came for me to get pregnant; my “husband” (cause you never intend on not being married) would be as excited and over joyed as me. We would bond over the experience of growing a child. I was robbed of that experience. I was terrified, and not just the normal “oh my god I’m going to be a parent” terrified. See I had no house, no car, and no money. My life was being controlled by a man who wanted to go to clubs at night with “friends” to get a feel of what it’s like. My life was being controlled by a man whose only real concern was himself and his image. My body was being controlled by what felt like a parasite at the time. All it did was make me more emotional, hungry, tired, and lonely. There was no bonding, or connection. There was only fear; until I felt it.

I woke up one morning alone in our room, which was becoming more and more common. So I jumped into the shower. The shower is my favorite place I can be 100% me, no judgment. I can laugh, cry, and sing, whatever I want. It is my sanctuary. So as I stood there that morning bawling my eyes out…I felt a flutter in my abdomen. It seriously took my breath away. Then it happened again. The baby, the baby moved inside me as if to say “hey mom, we are in this together”. In that moment everything changed! I felt strong, I felt confident, and I felt motherly for the first time. I wasn't alone. This child depended on me, and I got out of the shower, got dressed and packed my bag. I jumped in his car, and drove to the only place I knew he may be. A girl I had seen him with before answered the door and told me he wasn't there, which I knew was a lie. I handed her the key to our motel room and said “he’s gonna need this, cause I won’t be there when he gets back.” Then I drove back to the motel room, left his car in its parking spot, and walked away.

My son turned ten this year. He is so beautiful and amazing. He has this sense of humor that just cracks me up. He is so strong and confident in who he is already. It just amazes me that this young man came from me. Life is never what you think it will be; we all know the saying "want to see God laugh? Make plans." I can remember like it was yesterday, I spent so much time questioning God and his plans for me. Why would he let these things happen? What was the meaning or purpose? I know now that there was a purpose, but God did not let anything happen to me. He allowed me to make my own choices and mistakes, he did his best to guide me but ultimately I have free will and I was going to do what I want. See the biggest lesson I learned in all of this, is God is the ultimate parent. He is doing his best to teach, guide and plan for us; but we do what we want. We are teenagers who think we know whats best for our lives. The greatest gift a parent can give is unconditional love, and God is just that. After I made a mess of my life he was there to give it purpose and reason. He never left my side even when I defied him. He just waited for me, and loved me. 

This essay and I are part of the Messy, Beautiful Warrior Project — To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE! And to learn about the New York Times Bestselling Memoir Carry On Warrior: The Power of Embracing Your Messy, Beautiful Life, just released in paperback, CLICK HERE!

Unfinished thoughts

Some where along the line life became to much for me. Everything and I do mean everything stresses me out these days. It's no wonder I ended up with TMJ (go here to learn what that is) and was unable to move for three days. Everything pisses me off, everything seems like its going wrong, and I just don't care much about the things I used to. I have no patience for my kids, I have no motivation or desire to cook, clean or shower I only do what NEEDS to be done so they can survive. What is that crap? How in the world am I gonna help others with their life problems and situations? (Hello anyone new I am currently getting my Masters degree in Counseling). How am I gonna help my kids learn and become better equipped adults than I was/am?? How am I supposed to do anything worth while in my life when I feel angry, and hostile, and physically in pain because of this stress all the time?
As I am writing all of this my other side of my brain (the more rational and smarty pants side) tells me it's depression. Well Miss Smarty Pants you must have been paying attention to the professor that day in class more than the rest of me cause it doesn't feel like depression. It feels angry and hostile. (great now I'm arguing with myself) But I will give it to you, depression does make you lose interest in thing you love/like/care about and I have done that. Depression does affect your physical body and cause pain, check there too. Can anger/hostility be apart of depression as well?
I have been learning lately that opposites aren't always what we would expect them to be. The opposite of LOVE is not HATE, its FEAR. Fear stops you from loving, trying, giving, doing not hate. People try, give, and do things they hate all the time. And WEAK is not the opposite of STRONG. Weak is just another word for sensitive and the opposite of that is insensitive. To be strong means to be willing to be who you are even if you are weak/sensitive. The opposite of WEAK is FAKE. To not be true to who you are. All this leads me to think about the definition of depression or depressed. Most think it is sad or even deeply saddened. Therefor the opposite would be happy which in our society would also be "normal" which by the way I HATE that word! But maybe the opposite of HAPPY is not DEPRESSED or SAD maybe it is ANGER. I am angry that I cannot seem to be happy. I angry that I cannot seem to be grateful and just enjoy what I have. Because damn it I have a lot! I am so blessed with love, support, family, friends, opportunity, and everything needed to be happy in life, and yet I cant seem to be happy. I feel angry. I feel like it is all too much for me and don't understand why I was chose to be the one in it.
That actually makes me feel even more angry. I then feel like a big idiot who cant enjoy her blessings. It becomes a vicious circle that I cannot escape.
I do not have any answers to my questions, I do not have a solution to my anger. I only have the hope that I can find my way out of this sea of depression and learn from it and grow. Please if anyone reads this and has words of wisdom for me please comment below.