Friday, January 10, 2014

Unfinished thoughts

Some where along the line life became to much for me. Everything and I do mean everything stresses me out these days. It's no wonder I ended up with TMJ (go here to learn what that is) and was unable to move for three days. Everything pisses me off, everything seems like its going wrong, and I just don't care much about the things I used to. I have no patience for my kids, I have no motivation or desire to cook, clean or shower I only do what NEEDS to be done so they can survive. What is that crap? How in the world am I gonna help others with their life problems and situations? (Hello anyone new I am currently getting my Masters degree in Counseling). How am I gonna help my kids learn and become better equipped adults than I was/am?? How am I supposed to do anything worth while in my life when I feel angry, and hostile, and physically in pain because of this stress all the time?
As I am writing all of this my other side of my brain (the more rational and smarty pants side) tells me it's depression. Well Miss Smarty Pants you must have been paying attention to the professor that day in class more than the rest of me cause it doesn't feel like depression. It feels angry and hostile. (great now I'm arguing with myself) But I will give it to you, depression does make you lose interest in thing you love/like/care about and I have done that. Depression does affect your physical body and cause pain, check there too. Can anger/hostility be apart of depression as well?
I have been learning lately that opposites aren't always what we would expect them to be. The opposite of LOVE is not HATE, its FEAR. Fear stops you from loving, trying, giving, doing not hate. People try, give, and do things they hate all the time. And WEAK is not the opposite of STRONG. Weak is just another word for sensitive and the opposite of that is insensitive. To be strong means to be willing to be who you are even if you are weak/sensitive. The opposite of WEAK is FAKE. To not be true to who you are. All this leads me to think about the definition of depression or depressed. Most think it is sad or even deeply saddened. Therefor the opposite would be happy which in our society would also be "normal" which by the way I HATE that word! But maybe the opposite of HAPPY is not DEPRESSED or SAD maybe it is ANGER. I am angry that I cannot seem to be happy. I angry that I cannot seem to be grateful and just enjoy what I have. Because damn it I have a lot! I am so blessed with love, support, family, friends, opportunity, and everything needed to be happy in life, and yet I cant seem to be happy. I feel angry. I feel like it is all too much for me and don't understand why I was chose to be the one in it.
That actually makes me feel even more angry. I then feel like a big idiot who cant enjoy her blessings. It becomes a vicious circle that I cannot escape.
I do not have any answers to my questions, I do not have a solution to my anger. I only have the hope that I can find my way out of this sea of depression and learn from it and grow. Please if anyone reads this and has words of wisdom for me please comment below.

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