My first Five Minute Friday...EEEK

I found this new blog thanks to Momastery, whom I love and adore! This new one is another mom just trying to figure out how to BE in this world like the rest of us. This has been my struggle for the past year. I love my life, I have come so far. Lately I feel the need to share it, to get it out of me. I feel like I am holding on to everything so tight and I can't do it all. So here I am, reading other blogs and seeing them letting go and trusting others with their stories and lives. I have had my blog for 5 years now, rarely using it, and my mom being my only real reader (hey that's what moms are for!). I want to use it for more. I want to share my life and learn more about others. SO all of this brings me back to the new blog I found Lisajobaker.com, she and hundreds of other women do this awesome thing every Friday! Its called Five Minute Friday. You write for five minutes. unedited just purely you. She posts a prompt to go off of and then every one encourages other! Doesn't that sound beautiful?!?! So after finding her blog the other day I took 5 minutes to just write about what I wanted to, but today I will start my first Five Minute Friday!!!!

Listen...

GO

I don't listen well these days. It all gets blocked my the thoughts and voices in my own head. Even when I do listen to what someone is saying to me, I usually hear what I want, or worse what I don't want. I hear the judgement in their voice about me, I hear the negative thoughts and words, I hear things that make me defensive, and self conscious. I don't want to hear that. I hear it in my own voice and words too.
My boys are listening, whether or not I want to admit it, they are. They listen without even knowing they are doing it. They learn about life and love and everything through the words we use as parents and I am failing them. Because the words I hear and the words I speak are negative and harsh and hurtful. I yell too much, I criticize to much. Its to the point that when I say I love you to them its just words and they don't hear it.
Is it too late to change and fix? NEVER! And I truly believe that. It is never to late! Love, faith, and apologies can over come anything. They are my babies and I can change the words that come out of me, because they are listening, and I need to also!

STOP

Wow, I have to practice my typing, my hands just couldn't keep up with my head and my heart! Well there it is, thank you to anyone who reads this. I can't wait until next Friday!

Write for 5 mins...unedited, just write

becoming a parent doesn't always happen the way you think is will as a child. Much of my childhood was spent dreaming about who I would marry, where I would live, and what my kids names would be. I never had a passion or dream for what I wanted to be when I grew up. I figured I had all the time in the world to figure it out. Now I am 32 married with three children, but how I got here was not remotely close to what I envisioned. Wow!!
When I first found out  was pregnant in the summer of 2003, I was living in a motel room (you read that right, roadside motel) with my emotionally abusive, ex-con boyfriend. Oh did I fail to mention I was about 750 miles from my friends and family. Lets just say it wasn't planned and I didn't know if I could go along with it or not. The day I took the test and found out,  we were at his friends house so he didn't want me to say it out loud, so he wrote on a piece of paper "Circle yes or no". I sat there and stared at him. This was the man I was tied to for the rest of my existence, this was the man whose DNA was mixing with mine inside me to create a person. This man, wanted me to answer him like a first grader asking "do you like me?"

Feelings

I LOVE psychology; hence that's what I am studying, however I find my self psycho analyzing my self constantly now, and trying to treat my own mental issues. Not easy!! That's what professionals are for, that's where I want to be someday, helping other people with their thoughts, feelings and emotions. I cannot "fix" my self. I can however learn, grow, and realize that I am not broken. I am me, that is enough. I try to be the best me I can be, and most the time (which means more than 50% of the time) I accomplish that. Sometimes, dare I say I surpass the best me I can be and amaze my self. So why do I feel like I'm not enough? Why do I feel like I am alone in this life and no one understands me. I find my self getting angry, and feeling overwhelmed a lot. The worst part is I am pretty sure I am doing all of this to my self. No one is making me feel this way or expecting crazy things from me. I just want to much for my self. I want to be "perfect" Now I do realize perfection does not exist, so what I mean by perfection is something or someone that others are amazed by, and strive to be like. Someone or something others look at and think "WOW I want to be like that". I'm not sure when I became so...I don't even know what the word is for that. Self centered?  Arrogant? Look at me, Look at me!? I don't know what it is, but I do know that I ache for it. Which before you pass any judgement, please know that I don't like this part of me. I know I shouldn't act or feel this way. I think it's still a part of my adolescence that I haven't over come. I think I always just pushed it back or down thinking it will go away.

Anxiety

I have been struggleing with anxiety for a while now. At least 2 years. I think I get past it then BAM it rears it ugly head again and I have to fight within myself. I hate it. I dont know if there is something I can do about it or not. It makes me wonder how am I suppose to help others when I cant seem to help myself. I deal with people on a daily basis now that have similar problems to mine, except they have a diagnosis and mental illness to call it and I just sit here and feel crazy, cause Im suppose to be "normal". I dont feel mentally healthy some days. I know Im not struggleing like some, and I am able to have a "normal" life, but most the time I feel like Im faking it. I am trying my hardest to make sure what everyone sees is me being what Im suppose to be. But when no one is looking I let my facade down and let the real feeling out. I know I need therapy, I know I need someone to talk to, but I just dont want to let anyone down. I dont want to let anyone know I feel this way.

life as I know it

Hey, so I know no one is out there reading this but I need a place to write, vent, and just be sometimes. I dont know why. I just want to. SO things are good and bad around here. Nothing really is bad, Im just dealing with some depression and struggle to not let it effect my family. Doing that just makes it worse though, casue now I feel even more alone. I dont know why I feel this way. I mean seriously what do I have to be depressed about?? I have a beautiful family, my husband works his ass off so I can go to school and better our future. Hell I am almost done with school at this point and I am doing great!!! I fight in my own head about big life things, or little life things Im not sure which. I wonder if Im a good enough person. I know Im a good person. I dont hurt people or do mean or hurtful things, but is that enough? What is enough? Am I doing enough for my kids? For my husband? I just feel like no matter how hard I try I wont ever really be enough. I worry that my husband will get frustrated with me and our hard times and think "why the hell am I in this?" I worry that there is nothing I can do to stop my kids from failing. I know these are irrational thoughts. These are all things I cannot control, there is no way to know 100% what the future will hold, so why does it flood my brain and bring me down. It feels like doom is lurking over my head and any little thing could bring it crashing down. My rational brain knows better than to believe any of this rubbish! My rational brain is what keeps me going and striving for more every day. My rational brain is what stops me from telling others I feel this way.

Its been a while...

Hey! Well I haven't updated my blog in a couple of months. Let's see what has happen??? Well we had Michael's 4th bday party (which you can see on his page), Lee's 30th bday party, which was a blast!! Tried to surprise him, however I didn't get much of a reaction. Oh well!! Summer has been good, hot but good so far. We have been to a couple great parties, and had lots of fun!!

Here are some pictures from this summer so far!! Enjoy!

Lee relaxing on 4th of July

Lee and Maggie at his 30th bday party (yeah he was drunk!)

Christie, me, Lesley, and Amanda at Lee's party!

Trevor and Michael playing in the lake 4th of July

Trevor, Michael, and me watching fireworks!

Halfway to Halloween Party!!

Here we are. Badass biker and Vicious Vampire!! Had soo much fun that night though!!