The List

In an attempt to change my mind set and daily mood, I have started writing down things, small things, that make me feel grateful, thankful and blessed. I think if I compile a list and it grows and grows everyday, then on the days I am feeling down and need to be lifted up, I can read this list and be reminded of all I have to be  grateful, and thankful for.
Now I could just write it in a notebook (to then misplace in my organized chaos of a house) or I can put it here and add to it when ever I want, while sharing it with whoever may read it.

The List

1. Michael's compassion
2. Felix's cuddles
3. Gracie kisses
4. Random text messages from my husband
5. Trevor's inquisitive thoughts
6. Uplifting blog posts
7. Music
8. Life long friends
9. Life lessons
10. Education to better my mind and life

Good start for now.

Five Minute Friday: In Between

Here's the how to of the Five Minute Friday if your interested!!

The prompt today is In Between

Go...

Life has stages, you cant see them. Don't really know they are there until you move from one to another, or get stuck in between two. That's where I am. I am stuck in between. Not sure where to go or how to move. Afraid to get more stuck or make things worse.I am in the in between of life right now. Middle of my kids childhood, middle of my adulthood. The middle is the tricky part. How to live in the middle is the hardest part of life.

I have been in situations like this before, so I sit here and think back. How did I get out of the in between's before? I made a decision, a choice and acted on it. Why is that the hardest part of life? We spent so much time in between decisions and choices that we miss out on life. So much time is spent in the decision making process and then we spend the acting and living part wondering if we should have choose different. 

I don't want to be in between any more. I want to choose life and live it I want to be. Just be. Nothing more. Enjoy my beautiful chaotic life that GOD has given me and not worry about the in between. 

STOP

Well that's it. See ya next week

When there's no where to run

I am my own worst enemy. I can beat myself up, tear myself down and rip my self-worth to shreds faster than anyone. I rarely give others the power to do this to me; other than the few select people in my life that I strive to make proud of me. I hurt myself more than anyone ever could. I can't seem to stop it.

I just want to feel comfortable in my body and mind. I guess I figured it was something that just happens as you get older and become an adult. I am 32 now and still feel as insecure and scared as I was at 16. I have a beautiful family, husband and three amazing boys. Our house is a home, its lived it but not filth. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom while finishing my college degrees so I can better our life. My husband works his butt off to support us financially and yeah we struggle but we always have food on the table and the roof over our head. Honestly I have nothing to complain about! So why do I feel sad, depressed, and worthless most of the time.

I am a psychology major, which almost makes it worse, cause I do know why I feel this way. I understand the signs and symptoms of depression and stress induced anxiety; however I cannot seem to rationalize with my own brain that this is what is happening. I cant seem to use any of the techniques and tools I have learned, to help myself. Which just makes me even more upset and concerned. If I can't help myself how can I help others?

So I come here to write and hope someone out there reads it. I have been searching for an answer or something that clicks, something that could be a door towards feeling better. I read many blogs and the women who write them talk about real life, and how hard it is; and yet it still feels like they see or get something that I don't. So if your reading this and have that piece of knowledge that I don't, please share! I have no where else to run.

Five Minute Friday: Rhythm

Here we are again Friday! This is only my second Five Minute Friday, but I have to admit I have been looking forward to it all week. So here we go...

Rhythm

GO

Life has rhythm. Balance. It needs it to survive. Things happen for reasons and life continues to flow whether or not we are ready to continue on. Sometimes I get swept up by the rhythm, it catches me of guard and knocks me off my feet. I hate that. I like to think I can handle spontaneous and sporadic happenings but experience has shown me I cannot. However I am not a planner. I don't like to think ahead and plan for these moments, so I always get knocked down. Rhythm...hmmm maybe that is the rhythm of my life. Maybe every time I get knocked down I experience something, and learn. Maybe instead of seeing them as set backs and knock downs I should view it as GOD saying slow down and appreciate what you have right now! He made this moment for me and want to make sure I enjoy it. Maybe that is my rhythm. Wow now there's something to think about isn't it.

STOP

Wanna join in the fun? Join us over at lisajobaker.com every Friday!

Only God Knows Why...

Sometimes I wonder who I would be if I lived during a different era. I read this article a bit ago and it made me think. See my breastfeeding experiences were not all that good. And to be honest if I lived back in the 1800's I would be dead. My first born got stuck (my pelvis is bent I guess and his shoulders couldn't fit through), but even if I had survived child birth or the equivalent to a c-section back then, he wouldn't breastfeed. My second was born 3 weeks early and again probably wouldn't have survived due to his lungs being under developed. He spent his first week of life in the Neo-Natal nursery. I wasn't even allowed to see him for the first 24 hours, so how was I to breastfeed?  I suppose God knew that the 1800's just wasn't the place for me or my babies. He must put a lot of thought into who a person is and when would be the right time for them. I have to believe it's not by mistake or coincidence.
However it makes me think of the women who did live back then and how often they must of lost babies or died due to complications in pregnancy and delivery. How strong they had to be.  These women were our grandmothers, great-grandmothers, and great-great-grandmothers. In the scheme of things that wasn't that long ago.

What do you do?

I bake. Not professionally or anything, but it's one of those things I found in life that helps my mind quiet down and I can just do. I never really had a "thing" or "talent". Most kids when I was growing up had something, and I just didn't. It didn't bother me then, but as I got older and couldn't find my outlet for thoughts, emotions and energy it became an issue. So I searched and searched. I cannot draw or paint, but I have an appreciation for art. I cannot sing well (which does not stop me in the shower or car!) but I have a passion for music. I am NOT athletic, at all. I enjoy writing, but I am way to critical of my self. Right now as I type I am trying to figure out where this post is going and why anyone would want to read it. How am I going to change to world and make a difference when I ramble on about not being good at anything?
So I bake. It's not life changing. It's never going to save the planet or anyone. It's never going to make me famous, but it is going to calm my mind, and help me be me. That's going to have to be enough for today.

So here are the Margarita Cupcakes I made yesterday for my uncle's 60th birthday party (recipe below picture) Should have got a better picture but I'm new to this blogging thing so deal :) I have 2 different recipes I used. One has tequila in it, and uses box cake mix. The other is non alcoholic and made from scratch. I made both and they were equally delicious! You decide...

Margarita Cupcakes w/alcohol

Makes 18 regular-size cupcakes.

1 box white cake mix

7-1/2 ounces original margarita mix

2 ounces tequila (or triple sec if you prefer)

1/2 ounce orange juice

2 tablespoons vegetable oil

3 egg whites

Preheat oven to 350°.

In a medium bowl, add all ingredients and beat on medium-high until fluffy. If you prefer, use triple sec in place of the tequila. The important thing is to use a total of 10 ounces of liquid. Line a regular cupcake pan with papers or grease with non-stick spray. Bake 20-25 minutes or until toothpick or cake tester comes out clean. Transfer to cooling rack.

Margarita Cupcakes w/o alcohol

1/2 cup unsalted butter (room temperature)
2/3 cups sugar
3 eggs (room temperature)
1 1/2 cups flour
1 1/2 tsp. baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
Zest of two limes
1/4 cup fresh lime juice/ or margarita mix

Beat the butter until pale, and then add the sugar. Add one egg at a time, blend until all incorporated. Then add in flour baking powder and salt, followed by the lime juice or margarita mix. Then add the zest.
Fill lined cupcake pan with batter 2/3 full.  Bake at 350 for 18 minutes.
Makes 12 cupcakes. This recipe easily doubles if needed.

Simple Lime Syrup (optional)

To help keep the cupcakes moist I made this simple syrup and brushed it on top of the cooled cupcakes, before frosting them.

1/4 fresh lime juice

1/4 cup sugar

Combine the lime juice and sugar in a small saucepan over medium heat. Stir until the sugar completely dissolves. Bring it to a boil and continue to boil for 3-5 minutes until it becomes a golden color. Cool. Poke holes in the cupcakes with a toothpick. Using a pastry brush, generously brush the syrup over the tops of the cupcakes. Let soak in for 10 minutes and then frost the cupcakes.

Lime Frosting

2 sticks butter, softened

4 cups powdered sugar

1/4 lime juice/ or margarita mix (add more if needed for spreading consistency)

couple dashes of green food coloring if desired

In a medium bowl, cream the butter. Add the powdered sugar, one cup at a time, beating well after each addition. Add the lime juice or margarita mix, beating until desired spreading consistency. Add small amount of green food coloring if desired.

My first Five Minute Friday...EEEK

I found this new blog thanks to Momastery, whom I love and adore! This new one is another mom just trying to figure out how to BE in this world like the rest of us. This has been my struggle for the past year. I love my life, I have come so far. Lately I feel the need to share it, to get it out of me. I feel like I am holding on to everything so tight and I can't do it all. So here I am, reading other blogs and seeing them letting go and trusting others with their stories and lives. I have had my blog for 5 years now, rarely using it, and my mom being my only real reader (hey that's what moms are for!). I want to use it for more. I want to share my life and learn more about others. SO all of this brings me back to the new blog I found Lisajobaker.com, she and hundreds of other women do this awesome thing every Friday! Its called Five Minute Friday. You write for five minutes. unedited just purely you. She posts a prompt to go off of and then every one encourages other! Doesn't that sound beautiful?!?! So after finding her blog the other day I took 5 minutes to just write about what I wanted to, but today I will start my first Five Minute Friday!!!!

Listen...

GO

I don't listen well these days. It all gets blocked my the thoughts and voices in my own head. Even when I do listen to what someone is saying to me, I usually hear what I want, or worse what I don't want. I hear the judgement in their voice about me, I hear the negative thoughts and words, I hear things that make me defensive, and self conscious. I don't want to hear that. I hear it in my own voice and words too.
My boys are listening, whether or not I want to admit it, they are. They listen without even knowing they are doing it. They learn about life and love and everything through the words we use as parents and I am failing them. Because the words I hear and the words I speak are negative and harsh and hurtful. I yell too much, I criticize to much. Its to the point that when I say I love you to them its just words and they don't hear it.
Is it too late to change and fix? NEVER! And I truly believe that. It is never to late! Love, faith, and apologies can over come anything. They are my babies and I can change the words that come out of me, because they are listening, and I need to also!

STOP

Wow, I have to practice my typing, my hands just couldn't keep up with my head and my heart! Well there it is, thank you to anyone who reads this. I can't wait until next Friday!

Write for 5 mins...unedited, just write

becoming a parent doesn't always happen the way you think is will as a child. Much of my childhood was spent dreaming about who I would marry, where I would live, and what my kids names would be. I never had a passion or dream for what I wanted to be when I grew up. I figured I had all the time in the world to figure it out. Now I am 32 married with three children, but how I got here was not remotely close to what I envisioned. Wow!!
When I first found out  was pregnant in the summer of 2003, I was living in a motel room (you read that right, roadside motel) with my emotionally abusive, ex-con boyfriend. Oh did I fail to mention I was about 750 miles from my friends and family. Lets just say it wasn't planned and I didn't know if I could go along with it or not. The day I took the test and found out,  we were at his friends house so he didn't want me to say it out loud, so he wrote on a piece of paper "Circle yes or no". I sat there and stared at him. This was the man I was tied to for the rest of my existence, this was the man whose DNA was mixing with mine inside me to create a person. This man, wanted me to answer him like a first grader asking "do you like me?"