Sunday, June 23, 2013

When there's no where to run

I am my own worst enemy. I can beat myself up, tear myself down and rip my self-worth to shreds faster than anyone. I rarely give others the power to do this to me; other than the few select people in my life that I strive to make proud of me. I hurt myself more than anyone ever could. I can't seem to stop it.

I just want to feel comfortable in my body and mind. I guess I figured it was something that just happens as you get older and become an adult. I am 32 now and still feel as insecure and scared as I was at 16. I have a beautiful family, husband and three amazing boys. Our house is a home, its lived it but not filth. I am fortunate enough to be a stay at home mom while finishing my college degrees so I can better our life. My husband works his butt off to support us financially and yeah we struggle but we always have food on the table and the roof over our head. Honestly I have nothing to complain about! So why do I feel sad, depressed, and worthless most of the time.

I am a psychology major, which almost makes it worse, cause I do know why I feel this way. I understand the signs and symptoms of depression and stress induced anxiety; however I cannot seem to rationalize with my own brain that this is what is happening. I cant seem to use any of the techniques and tools I have learned, to help myself. Which just makes me even more upset and concerned. If I can't help myself how can I help others?

So I come here to write and hope someone out there reads it. I have been searching for an answer or something that clicks, something that could be a door towards feeling better. I read many blogs and the women who write them talk about real life, and how hard it is; and yet it still feels like they see or get something that I don't. So if your reading this and have that piece of knowledge that I don't, please share! I have no where else to run.

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